Dear friends,
Many of you have been messaging me personally or noticing small things like my kitchen looks different or I know longer mention hubbie. From my writings I know you are aware I have had a tough go of the past year or so. I have been at a complete loss in terms of what to say.
I have been deeply hurt by a few people I trusted in who weren't openly honest lately, and I realize I have been doing the same here on Snicks but on a different level. For that I am truly sorry.
The truth is last summer after a long struggle, many tough decisions and mistakes I separated from my husband. There is no blame...we both let us fall apart and it didn't just happen, our rift started over ten years ago. We had not been working as a team like people in a relationship should for a very long time. It was smothering me, I wasn't proud of the woman I was becoming. I felt invisible and unheard. I was so lonely and felt unloved. Not only that, we were doing a huge disservice to our boys as parents by pretending and living in tension instead of truth.
Before I left we lived in different parts of the house for many months like awkward room-mates. I felt it was confusing and upsetting for my boys. Maybe I was wrong, as it has been far from easy for anyone to adjust to the new way our family looks. My boys blame me as I was the one to leave the house we built and I loved living in. You were there as I went over plans and picked everything down to the doorknobs. Really though as lovely as the house turned out it was all stuff, and not important. The hurt rose from all the dreams I had for us as a family there and from the memories we created together. I suppose I will never know for sure if I screwed up or made a bad choice. But I do know I made no decisions lightly, I turned over every stone and tried to fix things for many years. Being alone after being with someone for almost twenty five years was a very scary path for me to take. I committed myself to Blake when I was only sixteen. We made a lot of really terrific memories together and three amazing boys, he will still always be a part of my life and is a good person. I will love him always for that.
I actually moved out last summer and have been working so hard since to adjust and mostly to get strong so I could be the Mom my boys need and want. I want them to respect me and learn to honour their hearts and live in a simple way that makes them happy. In my heart I genuinely feel you cannot make someone else happy or love someone to fullest extent without being good with yourself. Loving deeply is selfless and leaves you vulnerable. Trust and support are key or you can't be openly honest and loving. We all have issues and flaws, and will likely face challenges greater than we ever expected possible. That is life and through it all there is always so much to be grateful for and walk towards.
When I started this blog years ago it was based on the quote and life goal "Follow Your Bliss" from Joseph Campbell. I knew I wasn't living authentically somehow. I knew there was more and I wanted to grow as a person and Momma. There are people everywhere living in the same turmoil, searching, not sleeping, feeling empty, going through the motions...our society is so complicated now and we are loosing ourselves in it.
For the past couple years I have been comforted by the thought Everything Happens for a Reason and tried so hard to hold on to that statement when I was practically paralysed with feelings and fear. It's also opened me up to some really beautiful moments, lessons and experiences that filled my heart in a ways it's never felt and that brings me great inspiration and peace.
I am so sorry this took me so long and I am always so grateful for the messages and hearing your stories and advice or experiences. With many things in life I am spontaneous and adventurous but this was such a slow process and I had to take baby steps to find my way and share my changes with you. Plus, I wanted to wait till my boys settled in with the shift, and I knew for certain I had found me again. More than half of marriages sadly don't last. When we hear statistics we never believe it will be us, until it is. Please don't think I am looking for attention or pity, I am finding my way okay and feeling stronger than ever in many ways. I just really needed to come clean and be honest and stop procrastinating.
love you friends,
oxo
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