“To stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening.”
~ Pema Chodron
Today was terrible. I almost got badly t-boned in the morning. Ironically I was on my way to the chiropractor as I am still dealing with getting rear-ended and a sore neck since August. It was one of the swerve and spin in the ditch to avoid being hit moments that left me rattled after a sleepless night. The car was fine, I was fine besides being flustered so mostly I was grateful.
As usual my chiropractic treatment at Arise Chiropractic was helpful and Elliot and I even laughed at how I might resort to something extreme like UFC womens fighting to blow off some of the pressure I have had building up. Afterwards I slipped up to the Arise Yoga for a class with my fave teacher Lisa Dumas. My yoga practice is a huge part of my life these days and Lisa and I have a good connection and her classes leave me so grounded when I feel myself spinning out of control. Today something unusual happened to me...the intention was ease...my focus was the ease of letting go of hurt. Lying in shavasana to settle for the class I focused on the intention, I breathed it in deep into my second chakra, the sacral chakra, picturing orange, it's colour.
Instead of relaxing into it and feeling the energy I normally find I started to weep uncontrollably. I quietly left the class and by the time I reached the restroom I was sobbing. I could not stop. I went to my car and drove right to the doctor, sobbing the whole time. I rarely go to the doctor but I was desperate. I ran up four floors frantic and whispered to the receptionist that I was afraid I was having a nervous breakdown and she let me sit in a private room till she could sneak me in. While I waited I went through two boxes of those horrible little medical office tissues soaking up the rivers that flowed from my eyes.
Today was the day I broke and could no longer hold it in...no fake smiles and cheer up buttercup attitude...just releasing some really painful stuff I have been keeping to myself. The doctor was amazing and had some excellent advice about how my sleeping and stress patterns were playing with my mind. I felt some relief but still could not stop crying. I continued to great heaving sobs behind my sunglasses the whole drive home. Once inside I took a sleep aid pill and cried my way up the stairs and hid myself under the duvet in bed glad to be safe and alone. I let go to sleep and after a couple hours rose to shower and attempt to soothe my devastated red eyes before the school pick up and busy Wednesday afternoon routine. I had texted my husband earlier in the day when he asked a favour of me. It simply said I couldn't as I was having a breakdown and headed to the doctor. He showed up in the afternoon looking a bit shell-shocked and holding a nice big caramel macchiato for me to savour before getting cleaned up. It was sweet and warm and I appreciated the gesture deeply.
So tonight as I do a little bit of work I also desperately searched the internet and my favorite go to sites for insight on my wee breakdown today that has left me exhausted and somewhat lost. On Elephant Journal I found the above quote that captivated me as I have been studying the words of Pema Chodron in my quest for maitri.
8 Ways to Make Every Day Your Best Without Pretending You’re Happy or Letting Go.
There are some mornings when you wake up and you’re not really sure how you feel yet—the sky isn’t quite dark, but it’s also not yet light.
You’re awake and ready to move and make coffee, but you’re not close to alert or mentally crystal clear.
You had a mixture of strange dreams, compiled of family members’ faces you miss and subconscious hopes you didn’t even know were there until they so unexpectedly popped up into your night.
You’re excited about your afternoon plans and saying good morning to your daughter, but you can’t fully explain why you still feel a little mopey and kind of…heart-achy.
And what do you do? When you feel that your day and your mindset could potentially go in several directions? You do this:
To read the rest of Jennifer's Eight Tips and wise words read the full article here:
Off to read more before finishing up some edits for the night and retreating back to my bed. Hope you enjoy the article. I think I am almost officially out of tears so please don't go running the other way if you see me. I am not proud of my weakness today, I have not been myself at all this year but I look forward to the lessons I will learn from this journey.
oxo
Want to read more from Pema Chodron regarding her quote? The Head Butler has a good article about her book When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times .
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