It seems daily I am changing my mind on my path. I go from feeling hopeful and excited to scared and feeling trapped and judged. Finding a new home has not been going well. I know the feeling I want to have in that space, I know I want it smaller but open somehow and I have areas that call my name but as of yet nothing suitable has turned up in my searches.
The past days have been especially heavy and I am grateful today for some wonderful things life presented me that let me feel more at ease again, and supported.
This morning while Ry was at reading camp I did unpleasant chores like paying my yearly auto insurance and trying to get the truck repairs in order and looked at some possible rentals. Before I picked him up I stopped at a small country coffee shop near where he was. The patio was sunny and full of guests, but I tucked into the back corner inside with a brownie and coffee started making lists. Pros and cons of various options, punching numbers and hoping for easy answers. I was sitting there in an old t shirt and shorts, hair not done and no make up feeling close to tears when something really lovely happened.
A woman came up to me and said I recognize you from your blog. She explained she was from Kelowna and worked in radio and followed Snicks. She said she really liked my work. It took a lot not to cry, I was deeply touched. I get nice little messages on Facebook often and readers like you share their story or wisdom or give thanks and I am always beyond appreciative. Snicks is not at all how I would like it to look now, I am barely keeping it going at times. Yet sometimes this is such a beautiful place for me to land and share and find peace.
Once home I let the boys have some tech time and tucked into my bed to meditate on some tough choices. Just after I had a friend who knows me to my core text, and tell me some things I so badly needed to hear. She understands me and offered some precious wisdom and encouragement full of faith in me, without an ounce of judgement. It was like a big hug and nudged me back on path. Fear and self doubt had blinded me to some really important things and I was so thankful to have my eyes opened again. There is nothing better than someone who understands you like that to offer that love.
When I logged on to my computer after that to start work two other gifts were waiting for me to find them. This song on my Facebook feed, which I knew I wanted to share right away...
And when I opened Pinterest this image quote was in the first line of my feed...
I have felt exhausted in my choices. I know I have anemia but this is different. I thought back to some times lately when I felt really content and loved, and right and I was energized and excited. I felt full of sunshine and has so much to give, I was able to pour into my students and friends. When things are not right I feel it...I feel empty and need to hibernate. I cling to my boys and the things I know I am good at, I am not brave and unable to move forward like I want to. I am nervous and self conscious , that is not how I want to be. This is a very small tidbit of the advice my friend Jodi offered but it is golden:
"...when you get beaten down it can feel like we are limited. But that is never true. Your dreams are yours because you created them and by that you deserve them. Tap into the excitement of your dreams and that will connect you to them. So many good and wonderful times and things lie ahead for you...as soon as you know that and can feel it it is on it's way..."
Sending out the biggest loving thanks to these three souls today who are not part of my everyday world in any means but gave me the greatest gifts exactly when I needed them. And I have to say I am grateful as always and awed by the technology that made this possible.
Time to get back on path and moving forward just in time for my 43rd birthday tomorrow.
I hope you enjoy this gorgeous song and video and the words I found love in today, as much I do. You deserve it.
Ryan just ran by with a bucket covered in blankets, that I am pretty sure that is full of cats and said he is on his way to visit Grandma Butternuggets so apparently my window of TV time to keep him occupied has closed. Mom duty calls.