Simple Reminders, simplereminders.com, is a page that often presents quotes that address the questions in my head and struggles in my heart.
There are so many simplified catchy quotes that are popular now and I like them, I actually use them lots in my art and life even... It is what it is. Let it Go. Just Be, etc. No one seems to have time to delve into the emotions involved in loss or pain, it's a culture of walking away. Writing things off and jumping into the next thing, moving on without looking back.
I thought I could do that...I thought I had been doing that just fine the past forty years.
Boy was I wrong.
As I work through my third week of Power In Training Level 1, I feel almost paralysed by all the stuff I am working on. I get frustrated meditating as my focus is often broken by imagery and from my mind that hurts and sets me off track.
Memories are coming out and startling me awake at night and feel so real I have felt I am in that moment and have had to get up and check the doors and my boys if they are with me, and worked hard to come back to the present. I have woken up sobbing or shivering and fallen into the deepest sleeps I have ever experienced.
It all sounds horrible and you might wonder why I would do this work at all by choice. Everyone brings something different to the table and has a different journey and experience in learning to live from their heart. For me I am so excited and grateful for this experience.
I want to live from my heart, my heart choices are the ones I never regret and that feel good. My heart knows all about the perfect adventure, having fun, creating freely and being present and pouring love into someone and feeling completely fulfilled what flows out of them in response.
My head holds a lot of knowledge, I am not a ignorant woman, but it also holds me back greatly from how I want to live this life. I know the emotional upsets I am wrestling with now are from the years and years I have been tucking away feelings and giving away all my power to try and keep everyone around me happy. I am a people pleaser and a giver, and a master at saying YES and smiling through things that did not honour my heart. Running from drama and doing just about anything to avoid angering others. Lately I have used the tools I am learning to say no and stand my ground for me and others being manipulated and often just not to engage in things I know really aren't about me at all.
There have been no big work deals or pay cheques this month, no awards or magazine write ups, no pats on the back, no proclamations of love making me feel needed or other gauges of success that would have made me feel worthy in the past. I have done very little to be honest and been a rather lackadaisical Mom and friend and family member in general. I have been selfish. I have been working on getting me good and strong and been brutally honest in my heart work.
My first class my teacher used the old airline breathing mask example I had heard many times over the years, and it dug deep this time.
You need to put on your own oxygen mask first or you will be of no help to others...you will be dead.
How can I possibly be the Mother, family member, friend or lover I want to be if I am not in a good place?
This is our life work above all else, living from our hearts. I don't think it is ever easy getting there but I have the deepest most profound sense that once you get that dialled in everything else falls into place how it is meant to be, nothing needs to be as difficult and complicated as our heads tell us.
Not to say life is always easy. It can be quite cruel indeed, but there is a lesson to be learned every step along the way. Those lessons can teach us more than any university or guru or book can offer. I might be very wrong but I think those lessons are in us all along...we just have to take the time and find the power to feel them so they can teach us what they are meant to.